Mar 292011

Cholera closes another Cambridge college

Cambridge TV News

12 February 2061

Students who did not boil the water they cleaned their teeth with were blamed for yet another outbreak of cholera, this time closing St Clegg’s College, and bringing the total of Cambridge colleges closed to five.

So far this year more than 250 students have been notified as having the disease, with eight dying. This is considerably fewer than the toll last year of 1,705 cases and 18 deaths.

Now that tap water is no longer chlorinated, it is up to individuals to see that all water they put into their mouths is boiled” said the Chief EcoMedical Officer for Cambridge.

“We expected there to be an upsurge in water-borne diseases once we ceased chlorination, but that was seen as a small price to pay to put an end to the chemical poisoning of water supplies with this deadly gas, not to mention the cancer-forming organochlorine toxins it produces” he added.

“I accept that cholera is a problem, but there have been far fewer cases of typhoid and meningitis than our opponents predicted.”

This year Cambridge has recorded only 345 cases of typhoid (5 deaths) and 123 of meningitis (55 deaths) in the town, remarkably low for a city of this size. It is attributed to the citizens’ willingness to adopt the EcoGovernment’s ‘boil all water’ campaign. However, chemists were quick to point out that in London the current outbreak of cholera threatens to exceed 1 million cases and 10,000 deaths, repeating what happened following Greenpeace’s successful campaign to end water chlorination in Peru in the 1990s.


Mar 222011

US now has 10 million centenarians

WHO News Report

22 March 2111

Yesterday, President John F Kennedy III presented Mr Dallas Simpson of Dayton, Ohio, with a special medal to mark his being the 10 millionth person to attain membership of the Century Club.

There are now 3,000 people a day arriving at this truly wonderful age” remarked the President.

Choosing Mr Simpson to receive the award had been a difficult choice he said, because back in 1999 the exact minute of a baby’s birth was not logged, nor was it validated by an independent witness, as it is today. Now the very second a baby issues its first cry is automatically logged on the US National Database (USND).

According to statisticians at the USND, the ten millionth member of the Century Club might well have been logged earlier this month,  however on some days more centenarians were leaving the club than joining. A week ago it was clear that a candidate would emerge. It would be Mr Simpson or Florence Bogart of South Carolina, both of whose times of delivery were recorded as 11.45am on 21 March 2011.

Unfortunately, two days before her 100th birthday Ms Bogart discovered she had won $2000 million on the State Lottery and promptly expired.

Mar 152011

The Wash to be drained for Farmland

The London Guardian

15 March 2061

Despite protests from the Royal Society for the Protection of Birds, more Sites of Special Scientific Interest, including the Wash and its bird sanctuaries, are to be converted to farmland, in an attempt to increase the daily ration of food to 2,000 calories. The Ministry of Organic Food’s action is thought to come as a result of the riots in parts of the Midlands recently, following a cut in the cheese ration to 50 gram per week.

Although ploughing up of all the Royal Estates last year resulted in an increased supply of wheat to nearby towns, this had only limited effect” said the Minister.

She rejected a suggestion that ammonium nitrate fertilizer should be imported from China to increase crop yields and ease the current food crisis, which began with the UK’s total conversion to organic farming after the Glorious Green Revolution of 2020.

The scheme to terrace the hills of the Lake and Peak Districts and grow more potatoes will be completed next year, and that will allow the potato ration to be increased to 2 kg per week, as well as enabling more sewage from the Manchester conurbation to be used as fertilizer” she said.

New plans to drain the Wash are to be set before the Eco Parliament, showing how the building of a timber and earth barrier, with its associated windmills, will enable 200 km² of land to be reclaimed from the sea, providing work for more than 10,000 and, ultimately, food for double that number.